The song Wonderwall by the group Oasis which came out in 1995 reminds me so much of my big brother.

I still remember being in our childhood house and this song playing on my mom's giant stereo that we had and my brother singing it very loudly. Along with other songs, this one reminds me of him, just hearing the guys voice singing it remind me of how my brother would sing it!

I miss him so much! It just doesn't seem right or fair that he isn't here anymore. I mean we are supposed to grow older together, to have traditions that we make with our own children together....me, him and Cassey!

Sometimes when my friends are telling me stories about their siblings, I let my mind wander as they talk and selfishly I think, "Wow do you have any idea how it feels for someone so close to you to just all of a sudden be Gone....someone you knew so well and spent such a big and important time in your life with....someone who you love so much even when they get on your nerves :-)...." It's just not right to have to say bye to your brother at such a young age.

I think one of the worst things is going home and driving by the cemetery. It is between my mom and dad's house and also a lot of times the way that I drive home, so I pass it often. Anyways though, I know plenty of people have seen their name in a cemetery, but growing up we weren't close to the Billingsley side of our family, so it is not normal to see my last name "Billingsley" on a head stone. But every time I pass by I cannot help but to glance over and my name just sticks out at me! MY BROTHER'S NAME on a headstone! That is just NOT RIGHT!

Then on the way to my dad's this past weekend, as we passed the cemetery Ashtyn says, "Bye Daddy..." I mean I am glad he knows that is where his dad is, etc, but it is still just not right that he has to know his dad as being a headstone at a cemetery! HE IS FIVE for goodness sake!

LIFE.....it's just so hard sometimes, and doesn't make sense at all.

I guess I just needed today to vent a little about my feelings---thanks for listening,