To Not Be Judged

I recently read a really great article about how moms these days feel so much pressure to have the perfect, natural birth experience... how when we don't, we feel like we have failed someone or something. The article talked about how so many mommy blogs put the pressure on us as women and how we should not feel that way. It was a really great blog, I wish I had saved it to share with you. I don't feel extra pressure from blogs, because when I search blogs I am seeking information that I, myself, am looking for.

You see, with my son I had the PERFECT plan. I had NO desire for drugs, I wanted to labor at home, and if I had the option I would have stayed at home to have him. My boat was definitely rocked when none of that happened for me... when I ended up in the Operating Room. In the end, none of it mattered- the pain I endured in an induced labor, the mental challenges I faced going to the OR, the pain from recovery, OR the scar on my stomach. What mattered was that I had the most beautiful baby boy and God had chosen US to give HIM to... We ARE blessed.

I never thought much about a second pregnancy. I was shocked we had been blessed with one. We had been married for seven years before he came along and I was just about to start fertility medicine. Baby #2 was for sure a surprise too... but!!!! My thoughts have been so different this pregnancy. I am not near as adamant about the natural ways of things like I was with him and I am not sure why. Is it because I remember what the contractions felt like? LOL.  I don't have a birth plan and don't plan to write one... All of that was squashed last time and I don't want to set myself up for failure (in my eyes) again.

But now lies the problem.. I have the option of a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarian) or a repeat C-section. I am one of those that has always been against planning your c-section on the day you want just because of convenience. I have never understood how people could do that... until this pregnancy. Four weeks ago, I was sure I was set. I was ready for this VBAC.. but as the weeks have progressed I have wondered if that is the BEST choice for my family. I have wondered if that is really what I want?

I had such a great recovery from my son... and in all honesty I FEAR going through the same thing with him only to end up in the OR again. Then there is the issue of, for lack of better word: convenience... the one thing I have never understood. At this moment in our life my husband is in training where he won't be able to miss many days (if any) and my family can be here. So why go through the unknown? Why not just schedule it? But then comes the mind issue ... with worrying what others will say? Why do I even CARE?

Someone tell me that I am NOT the only crazy, pregnant woman out here who struggles with the right decision. It would be a lot easier if I wasn't a repeat C-section candidate and wasn't given that choice. I really do not know what I will do. I am 34 weeks... I shared with my amazing DR how I feel.. and he knows my desires and fears. His suggestion is we take a look around 38 weeks and just see and he will give me his honest opinion. This is a DR that is fully supportive of VBAC and has done a TON... so I trust him. He said he will tell me if he sees any progression at that point and then he will let me make the call. It really sucks having a choice...

You see, my son- at 41 weeks- had not dropped nor was I dilated.. and he came out at 8lbs, 5oz. I know, know, know that each child and pregnancy is different... but I just don't know.

So this is what I have been struggling with... Has anyone else struggled with this? Or does anyone else have any great words of wisdom for me?!

Thanks for listening... again.

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