Thoughts from My Mom's Blog:

When my mom told me about these two occasions of Addi persistantly asking for Daddy and Chloe reading to the two little ones I had planned to write about this....but my mom wrote about it first.

Rambling's of Moma
Sunday, January 31, 2010

Life is not fair
How do you tell a 3 yr old they can't have their DADDY? Or explain to 3 little kids that DADDY'S house isn't their's anymore? or God love them, have their 7 yr old sister reading a childs book to them that explains about death to a little child. Chloe' took it upon herself in the car to read the book to them. She told me, " if I read it to them a couple of times maybe it will help them to understand that Daddy is an Angel", I ask her do you understand this Chloe' & she said yes. I believe her to, she seems so grown up about this. I guess thats the good thing about the age she is or the bad thing however you look at it. I don't believe I have seen her cry. The day I took her to see his headstone her eyes did get a little watery when we left. She is such a good big sister to them. Addi was adament yesterday that she wanted her daddy, I ended up in tears & bless my husbands heart he had to be the buffer, he took it from me & got Addi thinking about something else. We usually let them talk about Shane & we don't shy away from bringing him up & telling them that Daddy loves them & always will be with them but yesterday was different. I've always been the first to say that life is not fair but it's really not fair when you have to tell 3 young children that Daddy is gone....and they are all so loving, it really breaks my heart when I think of it. I try not to though. We both just love on them. Shower them with hugs & kisses. They are just so sweet. And Ashtyn is already his little sister's protecter. We took them to church today & when time came to take them to childrens church I took Addi to her room & asked Ashtyn if he wanted to go to the other room with kids his age & he said" No I have to stay with sister".
I try to imagine years down the road without Shane and even now at going on 9wks this week I can't. It's like I'm still waiting....

I feel the same way....it is definitely not real yet, and I still don't know when it will be. It just hits me sometimes, the reality of it. When I remember that night when I found out....or think about how I was making gingerbread doe for my busy weekend of Christmas parties at about the time that my brother was killed.....these things tear me up....That I had so many "important" things going on and then BOOM nothing mattered except being with my family! I know I couldn't have done anything but I almost feel guilty for being so busy or for baking cookies at the time that he died. Like I should have been there, or been on the phone with him or something....But not consumed with my own life. It is hard to explain these feelings but they just come on me sometimes and even I don't understand them. It is just so hard to accept the fact that he is gone. And that three little ones are left without a father. I get so frustrated when I see so many men who have children but don't take care of them....or men who dessert their families....or are locked up.....etc. All of these "fathers" make me so angry b/c my brother was an AMAZING DADDY!!! and he was taken away from his kids accidentally, but there are so many fathers out their who voluntarily leave their children. This is what doesn't seem fair to me, that someone who adored their children and wanted to be a great dad lost that chance, but others have the chance and dont take it!