The Hard Days

Father's Day was a hard day for me...I couldn't stop thinking about my brother! He was such a great father....not always perfect but man he loved his kids so much! He always made them laugh and they adored him! I walked into my house the other day and said hello to my dog in a silly voice and it made me think of my brother....he would always walk through the house saying goofy things in goofy voices....and the kids and myself would laugh! He was so funny! I remember the last weekend I saw him I was at his house before my shower and I was playing with Ashtyn and he was trying to tell me a secret about what Shane was going to do at my shower! Shane started getting on to him but Ashtyn kept trying to tell me until he got in trouble. I did hear what he said though...I just acted like I didn't lol It was so funny to see my brother walk into the church fellowship hall dressed in panty hoes, a mini shirt and a girls top! ha ha with makeup on! and he even said he shaved his legs for this! And that is something he was always against...he ragged on my cousin for that all the time! But he went all out! I loved it! I am so sad that I did not get a picture with him and Brian as girls that day though! It was so sweet though...because after he dropped a condom on me out of his "boobs" lol he gave me $50 and a card from chloe! It meant so much becuase my brother does not have a lot of money...I mean he has three kids!! lol but it meant so much for him to give us that! What he didn't know and what he never got to receive was that I gave the money to mom to put towards the Christmas gift we were getting him...a new bedspread...all the kids had new nice ones, but not him! So we wanted to get him one so he didn't have to sleep with random blankets. But Christmas for my brother never came. And neither did the day where he gets honored for being such a great father...I guess that is why Father's Day was so hard for me....it had been a while since I cried so much, but I cried at church and then spent all day at home alone cleaning on Sunday and just cried at different times throughout the day.

I sat in my living room looking at wedding pictures and it hurts so bad that my brother is not in my wedding pictures...I just imagined the great pics we would have gotten of our family from the professional photographer and how my brother wasn't there! He wasn't able to be at one of the most special days of my life! But if he could have he would have and he would've been so proud of me and Meguell! That is just how he is! So proud of his sisters...Someone came into my office the other day looking at my wedding pics and asking who everyone was and she asked "was your brother not there??" and I had to tell her....it is still so hard to talk about it out loud...to say he is gone and all the words that come with it! I hate it!

It has really been a tough month for me....lately I have cried more, had more memories, and been reminded of him more....Maybe because this month has held so many specific dates....the 3rd-Six months since the accident and since he has been gone: 20th-Father's Day: 30th-His Golden Birthday!

Gosh I miss my brother so much! I just wish I could talk to him or hear his goofy voice.