My sweet boy went down early tonight, like before 7pm EARLY! As he lie in his bed I asked him if he wanted Mommy to rock him... of course he came to me. Before our first worship song was over he was passed out... and the tears overflowing out of my heart came out of my eyes... A mix of happy and sad tears, it honestly doesn't make sense. Thank you Hormones.
I sat there rocking my sweet boy through six songs as the CD played quietly. I sang some... cried through others. I prayed. I prayed that I have been the best mom that I could be in the past 3 years to my sweet one. Never again is it going to be just me and him...
I prayed that he would always know that he is his Mommy's baby... that the excitement he has shared with us on his sisters' arrival, he will know as he gets older, I was just as excited for him. I prayed that he would always feel so special and loved by me and know that he is my baby boy.
I sang songs through tears... I thanked God for him and for the past three years of it just being him. I am so blessed to be called Mommy by him. I know he loves me and I love that boy more than words can even explain. I know you mommy's understand.
I looked ahead as I rocked him and saw our sweet girls clothes... and I know she is going to look adorable in them. I thought about her tiny hands and feet and how in the beginning she is going to curl up into a ball like babies do. I thought about what it is going to be like holding her for the first time, nursing her for the first time... how it is going to feel nursing a baby again in general. I thought of how different my life is about to be having a little girl... and how great it will be too!
I am a mess of emotions tonight, clearly.
But mostly I never want my first born, my son, to ever feel left out or that Mommy is forgetting him.
I honestly DO.NOT worry about being a Mommy to two. I know that God created me specifically to be a wife and a mother. I welcome the challenges... what I worry about is not loving these babies the same. I know, I know... I should not worry about that. My mom, the best mom I know, has told me that. I know when I hold our little Sticker (our son's name for her) in my arms, the love I felt for my first born... I will feel that over again.
Please God... let me be the best mom possible. I hope I can live a life with no regrets when it comes to being a mom. I pray that the Lord will guide me and help me be the best wife possible as well. We know how marriages can go on the back burner for a time when new ones come along. I don't anticipate the same struggles that our marriage overcame when our first born came... but I know I have to learn to focus on my man more too!
Mostly my tears tonight are just for my sweet baby that I got to rock. They were such clean tears. Tears of happiness, fear, sadness.
We are about to be a family of 4. How exciting....
I just hope I have been enough, done enough, said enough, touched enough, etc. the past three years while I had my boy by himself.