The Monday after Mother's Day I woke up and things were way wrong. My husband and I called the doctor and went and got tests done on Monday, and then Wednesday. Basically the tests were to see if I miscarried, and the result comparisons is what told us if the baby was still with us or not. It was definitely some of the worst days of .....waiting.....that I have ever gone through. Then on Wednesday, we went in as early as possible for the tests, and sometime in the early afternoon we got a call revealing the results that our precious Baby Suell was no longer with us, but now in Heaven with our Father.
It was definitely a hard time. My husband and I just laid on our bed and I cried and we talked through our sadness. It was a wonderful time for us to get real and vulnerable together, but we were so sad. It was hard though, because he had so much to do to prepare for the mission he was leading, which left the very next day to go to Belgium. And I, had plans to drive to my sister's house that very day because my niece was scheduled to be brought into this world in only a few short hours. It was really hard to know what to do, because of course I wanted to be with my husband, but he had to go do so many last minute things for his trip and have several meetings. So we decided it would be better for me to go to my sister's and be with my family, and him be able to prepare then leave for his trip. We ate lunch together, I told him goodbye, then I cried the entire one and a half hours to my sister's house.
Let me just say that seeing my niece born was nothing but joy. Even in the midst of my sadness, I felt nothing but joy when I looked at her, and I am so thankful for that.
The past few weeks have been rather hard. I am up and down emotionally, depending on the day, the time, the circumstance...the conversation. The conversations have been the worst. I am constantly running into people that say with joy, "CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BABY!!" and I have to awkwardly stop them and tell them the update. I try my best not to make it awkward, and sometimes I can say it just fine, while other times I tear up, and sometimes I'm just about ready to lose all my marbles. People have been so kind though which I am thankful for.
Of course having my husband here would be soooo much better. Just to be able to be real with him, and be comforted by him! I am definitely ready to see him, TOMORROW NIGHT!
Honestly, this is a weird place to be, and not sure where to go from here. A good part of the sadness is that a JOY was ripped away from my husband and I. You know, we were ready to be parents, and soooo excited together! We were already making so many plans and talking so much about the future, then all of a sudden it was GONE! That has been terribly hard!
We are confident though that our sweet baby is in the arms of the Father in Heaven and we will see our baby one day! I am thankful that even in the midst of so many unknown and uneasy situations I am confident and hopeful because I know that there is more to life than this, and I know that my Father wants good things for me, and that he will one day redeem all of this. Even in some moments my emotions don't remember this, in my heart I know the truth, and I will continually proclaim it over my life.
So for now it's back to bikinis and handstands for me! Oh, but don't worry we are continually praying over me and our future baby, and we have full confidence that the Lord will bring this joy and blessing to us again!! and who knows, maybe sooner than later!