I've outlived him....

My Big Brother

Do you see this beautiful soul? I have outlived him... yes, you read that correctly...

I have OUTLIVED MY BIG BROTHER.

September 2012 I turned 29... I dreaded turning 29 since the day I got that awful phone call 3.5 years ago... because he was 29 that night. He is FOREVER 29. He never got to turn 30. It sucks.

He wasn't suppose to die so young, this I know... I also know I will never understand!

When March rolled around... it sucked even more, because there was this gut wrenching day in March that it marked the first day that I outlived him....

Next month I will turn 30... and it will suck.

29 and 30 are hard for me just because he is forever 29 and never got the chance to be 30. It is like the first year all over again... all the firsts.. well, definitely not quite as bad, but it seems like one of those times to me.

I have no intentions of really celebrating my 30th and this is WHAT.I.WANT. Most people can't tell when I am down and out over it, I have learned how to put on that happy face... but you can be rest assured, I don't really want to celebrate that birthday... because as strange as it is in my head... it is a hard milestone.

Shane is always on my mind and always in my heart... Some days it hits me like a ton of bricks... Some days it is like I REMEMBER all of the sudden and it is so painful and so strange at the same time.

Sometimes I feel like he is right here with me. I can feel those arms that I felt embrace me for the last time that June day in 2008.... And THAT my friends, just made me cry....literally.. because...

As we begin the journey to December 3rd, which will mark the 4th anniversary of his death, it marks 4 years since most of you have seen him...

But not for this little sister... when we get to that awful day... it marks almost 5 and a half years since I have seen him... touched him... anything!

Living in Japan was AMAZING and I met some of the most amazing people there, had some of the best experiences, I mean, I had my baby boy there... but it also meant... when I hugged my family goodbye in tears at the airport that day in June of 2008-- it was the last time I saw my brother alive. And that sucks.

I can still hear his voice so vividly... and once a year I pull up the emails I have saved with the 2 voicemails the week before the wreck... and I listen to him... and I remember that last conversation and how he was excited that I was having a boy....

I wonder if he can see his niece and nephew down here...

I wish he was here..

And I really, really, really wish...

I didn't get the chance to outlive him!

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