This morning, I find myself sitting in my rocking chair in the corner of our nursery, just looking out over what we have prepared for our baby boy. As the sun spills through the blinds, I say sweet prayers of thankfulness over my womb!Thanking the Lord for all he has given us, all he has brought my husband and I threw, and where we find ourselves now: about to receive the greatest blessing we could ever know.
My thoughts are taken back to May 2013 when I found out we were pregnant, and then only a few short weeks later I miscarried our baby. In thinking about this I am so thankful for our Zander that will be here in less than a week. The thought also crosses my mind though...."Is it okay to be so happy for this baby when we lost our first baby." That is a hard concept to grasp, finding the joy in the midst of the mourning!
I am thankful to know that our sweet one is in heaven with our Father though! Knowing that that baby will be there one day when we are all united together. And in the realness of that truth and promise from the Lord, I am able to sit here this morning and rejoice!
I REJOICE because there really is Joy that has come from Mourning! I celebrate knowing that my Big Brother, also in heaven is able to be an uncle to our first child. I imagine Shane (my brother), holding our sweet one and being the great uncle that I know he would be if he was here with us, and that is such a sweet site to me.
I am thankful for the tastes of redemption that we receive on earth. I recall the mourning I went through in May, when my husband had to so abruptly leave for a trip to Belgium the day after we lost our baby and I was left to what felt like mourn alone. I remember the laziness I felt, the mono-toned attitude that swept over me. The evenings when I would sit on the back porch with an entire bottle of $4 wine and drink it alone, then just go lay in bed and mindlessly watch television shows. I remember the tears that were shed, the feeling of helplessness when I knew I was losing my baby and could do nothing about it. It was such a hard season of mourning for our Little One.
And now....on the brink of welcoming our first son into this world. Oh how I am thankful for him. I sit and thank the Lord for the joy of new life. I cannot wait to see what he looks like. That is my most excited part of becoming a mom I believe. To see this creation that was made from myself and my husband! I think it is such a sweet thing that the Lord would decide to give us this gift. That we could create life with the one that we love so much on this earth, and that that sweet life would be part of both of us. What a sweet gift he gave to us!
Sometimes, it is helpful to sit and remember the mourning, and be thankful for the joy that comes from it. And this morning I have found such sweet thankfulness in the redemption of those thoughts!