Ignored but not Forgotten....this is how I feel I have been treating God lately....
I know that God is good....I know that he is always there...and I know how much he loves me and desires a relationship with me....but my heart is broken.
And although I know it is not his fault, I still use my hurt as a reason to ignore God.
I want to be close to God and grow in him and yet I am pushing him away.
I don't even know the reason for my feelings...because I do not blame God for my brother's death...I just feel like there is something preventing me from being with God.
I don't even know how to explain it, the one analogy that comes to mind is this...and it may soudn so dumb to some people but this is what I feel sometimes.
You are married and in a relationship with the person you love and they cheat on you.....through all the hurt and pain you still try and make it work....but the hardest part is learning to trust them and getting past all the pain that they caused you....because everytime you spend time with them or look at them you feel the pain all over again.
This is how I feel when I spend time with God....the last part explains it. Every time I begin to get close to God, whether at church, during worship, prayer...or when I'm alone with him, I am reminded of all the pain I have gone through and it interrupts my time with the Lord.
I know that over the past 6 months when I have begun to grow more in Christ the enemy always brings up this hurt and turns my attention off of him, but it is so hard to fight it. My heart is broken because of the loss of my brother and I need help getting past that.
Then last night at church our worship leader said something that I feel was God talking straight to me....(This is something that has been brought up to me several times over the past few weeks) In a prayer he said something about how "God draws near to the brokenhearted (Psalm) and "Thank You God for the promise that you draw near to us when we draw near to you" This is something God has been showing me....that he feels my pain. That he wants to bring me through it if only I will draw near to him...He is there to draw near to me also!