I don't want any of this.

Sometimes...when I think about you...I don't let my mind go there..
I won't let it take me to reality.
When I think of you, that's as far as I go.
I begin to change the subject in my mind so that I don't have to face the truth.
I push it away as though it won't come back,
As if pushing will make it disappear and be less real.

But then it hits me...
It smacks me in the face so hard I didn't see it coming.
I remember the truth,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the sadness...
All of this floods my heart and my memory and it breaks me.

And I remember that YOU, My Brother are gone...

It all comes back to me and knocks me down like a huge wave in the ocean.
I begin to remember when I heard the words,
I remember when I first hugged Mom and cried.
I remember the days that followed,
all the people,
the food,
the love,
the tears,
the sadness.

I remember how I felt when we had to leave you there.
I felt so bad...I didn't want to leave you there alone.
I wanted to take you home with us.
You were supposed to be with us.
All of our family was there...but not you.
Your babies were there but not Daddy.

None of this seems right or real Shane.
And I just hate to think of life without you.
You were just stolen from us all....
and I hate to think of the reality of what the years will bring.

Three siblings, but one missing.
Parents without a son.
A birthday but no one to celebrate for.
Special events with only their Mommy...
Holidays without you,
I don't want any of this.