On Monday morning I woke up at 5am, per our new schedule, made coffee and sat down in our black rocking chair to spend some time in the Word. I also got out my journal to spend some time in prayer and writing. When I opened my journal I found this:
Written on July 21, 2012: "How am I so lucky to have a son? Noah! Man, he is my world! He is so precious. I often daydream about having him a little sister one day. But how awesome would it be to be one of the special moms to have a house full of energetic boys? Boys that love and need their Mommy. I am so blessed!"
Written on July 22, 2012: "We went on a "bay-ca-tion" this weekend. You were so great! You had so much fun at the Country Music "estible!" You light up Mama's life little boy. You bring me such joy!"
I thought how amazing it was that about one and a half months later I found out Noah WAS going to be a big brother! How blessed am I? I remember being OKAY with whatever the Lord gave me: boy or girl! But I also remember feeling like we were having a girl! After 3 different ultrasounds confirmed it was indeed a girl, I could not believe it. My boy was going to be a BIG BROTHER and would be able to protect his little sister like Shane always did me! Fast forward to today... I LOVE my babies... and I am SO thankful that God gave them to me. Our lives have changed so much from the dating days 13 years ago, to the newly married couple 10 years ago, to the couple with no kids and everyone else did 4 years ago..... To having our two precious babies! I don't know if we will have more, I don't know what the Lord has in store for us... but what I do know is that I am missing out on too much by allowing myself to get caught up with .... plain and simply, being on Facebook too much.
So maybe you have noticed that I deactivated my facebook... maybe you haven't. After my devotion and prayer on Monday it was on my heart so heavy... and for so many reasons. Some of the reasons are too heavy and personal to share here, but as of Monday night I deactivated my FB. For now I am going until September 20th, my 30th birthday... so 30 days without logging on to facebook for me. I will reevaluate it when we get closer to that date and see if I feel like I am suppose to continue on this detox or get back into the world.... one thing is for sure, something has to change and I can't allow the internet to continue to control me.
Becoming a Stay At Home Mom has been the best thing EVER! But it has also caused me to be on the internet quite a bit more than normal. After everyone goes to sleep, I will stay up forever doing.. nothing! This isn't healthy. On Monday night we spent time together AS A FAMILY playing Mario. I didn't go for my phone or hear a ding on the computer and go see who it was... nothing. It was beautiful. Yesterday we spent the day at Sea World and I didn't sit down and watch my boy enjoy the world while I checked out Facebook or posted pictures on instagram! Nope, I was in the moment!!! I loved it. I feel FREE! I have put myself in this bondage and only I, with the Lord's help, can get out of it.
Sounds crazy to you I am sure... but everyone has something that put above the Lord... and have to work at keeping it where it needs to be and for me.. right now, it is the internet. I miss the real relationships I have with people. I have FEW phone numbers (so if you need me and need mine, ask Little Sis)... I miss getting phone calls vs. messages on FB. I miss really getting to know people! I can't even remember what my life was like before facebook... and isn't that awfully sad?
I want to invest my time and energy into my family more... and I will.
Something else, that is going to sound CRRRRAZY to many of you... I am comparing myself too much to others. The above I mentioned about knowing I am addicted and need a break to spend more time with what matters: with my family... is always on my mind... but since I have had Sydni I am literally BEATING myself up over not being able to run 3 miles without stopping, over not getting this baby weight off, over not fitting into my clothes... Why, oh why, am I not seeing TRUE results? Being on FB and seeing transformation story after transformation story.. is getting very hard on me emotionally and mentally. I need a break. I am SO happy for these people ... and I remember what it felt like. But I keep getting so sad because of where I was ONE YEAR ago. And then it makes me mad. I am SO thankful for my baby girl and would not change it at all. I just get so upset that it takes so much work from me to get comfortable in my own skin again. ...
But then my kids look at me and smile... and LOVE me. And I think God is using them to help me learn grace. These babies love me NO MATTER what. They don't know that I am battling food and counting calories... they don't realize my workouts at home are because I am tired of being fat. They don't even see me as fat. These babies... they looove me, ALLLLL of me. And it feels great! But then, as I look in their smiling eyes at me, I am reminded that Christ loves me the SAME way. He loves Cassey how Cassey is... and if I want to get fit again and all that jazz... I am going to have to learn to love Cassey again! And this is hard for me. I have a VERY low self esteem. I would dare to say most people who have 'always been the bigger one' or struggled with their weight- ya know, like their WHOLE life, have low self esteems. But I am tired of it, I want to be, mentally, who I was a year ago.
I am blessed. This I know.
It was a battle for me to deactivate my facebook for many reasons. First and foremost I am afraid of failure, that I will fail and come back.. which is stupid. I don't need to know about anyone THAT much. Anyone that needs me can call me, etc. I am also part of a new workout challenge I feel like I am bailing on.... We do our Naturally Sisters Weight Loss Wednesday, our Naturally Fit Sisters, Naturally Nesters FB... but in the end- I had to go. I had to do it for me.
I need to spend the next 30 days learning to LOVE me. And for some reason, I can't do that while I am on FB. I am comparing myself TOO much and it is SO stupid. So instead, in my free time.. I plan to read and write... to spend time with my babies and my husband. To connect with people on the phone more (maybe:)). I have a schedule and I have even allotted time when the babies are asleep and after the husband and I have spent our time TALKING... to blog. I don't even blog like I use to. Everything is so different. I LOVE being a Mom and Wife. I LOVE my husband and kiddos... I just don't LOVE me... and this has to change....
So... here is my honest blog... LOL!