Another Day

It still just doesn't seem real....surely the entire month of December did not happen... Surely my brother is still back in Gilmer, driving to Gladewater everyday...taking care of those beautiful kids that he adores so much. I can just see him being his goofy self...running through the house singing or talking in some crazy voice just trying to make the kids laugh...and of course they do because he is a funny guy, plus they just love him. Or him pretend shooting them with his bumblebee costume, with that huge head mask on....He told me..."did you see what I bought for ashtyn? It's bumblebee from Transformers!" hm ya right Shane, that thing falls off Ashtyn's head, it was definitely for you to play with! ha ha
I know I am not used to seeing my brother everyday because I live with Abilene, but there is still such a missing piece in my daily life just knowing he is not there! Although I want to be home so badly, it would make it even more real being there! I know it is so hard on my mom for that reason, but she would not have changed being that close to him and the kids for anything! Sometimes though I just get this panicked feeling inside when reality hits....it's like a little piece of that night all over again. All of a sudden my heart remembers deep down what happened and inside I freak out for a second in disbelief the way I did the night they called and told us!
And you know...you can just go through life and get busy with all of the stuff you have to do, but it doesn't go away. As much as people think "O she is okay now...she doesn't cry or anything so she must be okay..." Well that is not true....It never just goes away. It is still inside hurting....and it comes out, but now it is easier to control it and only let it out when you are alone!
What I really want is just to hear my brother sing in his goofy voice again.....or even come pick on me and mess with me while I am busy trying to get stuff done....Or eat something out of the fridge that I have been looking forward to eating all day...(he did that so many times to me)....but now I would gladly let him do any of that! I just wish he was here so that I could hug him so tight!
It's still hard....in a book I am reading called Mistaken Identity there is one part that just hits home, it reads: "Yet at the same time, each of them struggled to accept that this was happening to them." This is something that is so hard to comprehend...this is happening to me? to my family? WHAT?!! It just doesn't make sense. I will always remember the first words I shared with my mom when I finally got home at about 5:30am the morning after the accident....She met me outside the house and we just hugged and cried for several minutes and she said, " These kind of things just don't happen to our family do they...?" And that is so real, it is just not something you are waiting on or expecting to happen to your family!!