Everyone is asleep in my mom's house tonight except me. I took the time to look at some pictures in the hall and reflect. I looked at pictures and noticed several things... we need a new one of my cousin Cortney and her man Robert--their picture is outdated. We need to put sweet Savannah Joy's dance recital picture in place of the older one.... There will soon be another beautiful wedding picture to show as my step-brother Taylor is getting married in two weeks... We need pictures of Sydni and maybe some from my Grandma's birthday today...perhaps one of these?
I saw the picture of my grandpa that is my favorite... sitting on the front porch of my childhood home blowing bubbles and I thought of that sweet man. Then the picture of him and my brother with their arms around one another.... and for a minute I saw them in heaven standing the same way looking down on us with such huge smiles today as we celebrated Grandma turning 80. I imagine them being so happy that things seem to be just coming together... that our family is ALLOWING God to take control again... That God is helping our family with the pain and hurt and starting the healing that we so badly need.
Then I looked at every.single.picture. of Shane that mom my has in the hallway and I thought how those pictures will probably always, ALWAYS be right there. We change out old pictures and put new... but those pictures of my brother will remain because he will forever be 29 years old... the age I am right now! Then it got me to thinking how in my eyes, memories, thoughts... everything- I see Shane as I last remembered him, 29. I wonder what he would look like today, how he would be the same and how he would be so very different in just 4 years... That sweet man would be turning 33 on June 30 of this year... but now he remains forever 29. Even when I am celebrating my 80th birthday, Lord willing, my brother will forever be 29... Oh, how I miss him.
In our family pictures today it was so sad... Grandpa is missing because he lost the battle to dementia 9 years ago at such a young age... Shane is missing because he was taken in a split second in a car crash 3 years ago... and then the few others that couldn't be there. How blessed my family is... and yet how we have lost so much. It really, really is so sad.
How truly empty events such as today feel without my brother there. He was the lift of the party (and family)... he was just.. Shane. I don't understand it and never pretend to... and it hurts like hell... but you have to keep on going, right?
I had all kinds of thoughts for this blog tonight, but now... I am thoughtless.. so this is what you get! :)